I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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