I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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