WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
