Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
