take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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