Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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