My cat gives me a boner
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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