what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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