i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
