2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
