dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
