Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
