Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
