I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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