I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
