I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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