He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
