he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
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The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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