Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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