i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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