my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
