I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
