my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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