Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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