So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
