We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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