Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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