I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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