and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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