I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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