That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
