The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
