i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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