It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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