Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
