I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
