he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
