I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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