Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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