So drunk its hurt
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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