so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
