Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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