I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.