UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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