dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
