I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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