Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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