I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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