You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
