Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
