You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
