Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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