just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
