I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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