Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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